Completed day 1 of Country Heat yesterday and can't believe how emotional I was during the workout. I found myself crying several times, overcome with how far I have let myself go, and knowing I am responsible for where I am. Scared that I will fail again, like all the other times in the past. Knowing in my heart, that I can't fail this time. I am at an all time high weight! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. My face quickly gets flushed when I do any type of activity. My ankles, my fingers, hands, you name it, they are all swollen ALL the time.
Well over a year ago, maybe closer to two, I just quit. I was so tired of always "restarting". It seemed unfair that I constantly lived my life "trying" to lose weight. So I gave myself permission to not do anything. I didn't call it "quiting" or "giving up", I told myself I was going to be happy right where I was.
I had been a Beachbody coach for forever and a day - I was surrounded by success stories. People succeeding not only in their health and fitness journeys, but in their coaching business. When I told myself I was happy right where I was, I couldn't keep seeing all of that on my social media accounts. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I was telling myself I couldn't do. I completely unfollowed and unliked all the pages and people that I was connected to. Left groups, tried to totally disconnect from all of it. Okay, I didn't disconnect from it totally! There were true connections and friendships I had made through Beachbody that I kept, and it being so easy to hide right out in the open on Facebook, I'm sure not one of them even knew I had went on a rampage leaving groups and unfollowing top coaches.
I kept getting FB memories popping up of posts I had shared in the past, you know the ones you see all the time...I worked out! I drank Shakeology! New video on sale! lol Seriously I was annoying myself. What was not there was me truly sharing myself, my struggles, how hard life was at times. I thought I had to be perfect, I had to know everything and be the shining example. I mean I was a coach for goodness sake. I had to have my shit together.
Well here I am again, starting over.